#NoLookingBack #018 – On being Overwhelmed

I have a lot I want to accomplish in life, as a writer and creator. I have always wanted to achieve so much and I struggle daily with feeling like I am never doing enough. Even when I am meeting my self-assigned deadlines, producing routine content, and growing my presence on social media – all integral elements of my strategy towards success – I feel I am letting myself down on a cosmic level. It is the ever present hound, nipping at my heels, driving me forward in frustration and confusion.

The funny thing is, that that sensation, of never having accomplished enough… sometimes it freezes me and I get flustered. I wonder if my ideas are worth it, if the effort is worth it. Clearly, the darkness inside me speaks aloud, if what I was doing was any good I’d have become successful by now, after all, I am 32. It comes at me and I see how far I have to go, and feel so overburdened that I consider giving up entirely. My confidence executed by the dark side of my own drive to succeed. Am I worth it? Can I do this? Questions assail me, I lose track of my progress and my organization goes even more to shit than it already is.

I already find it remarkably difficult to balance my day job, my wrestling articles, drawing, working on scripts, and building a social media presence. New projects fall into my lap, stack up daily. I have skills I need to practice, software I pay for that I hardly use and feel discouraged when I practice and get bad results in. The last thing I need to do is beat myself up about the fact that I have too much going on for my mind to handle. But I do it anyways. Somehow I always come out the other side and get back on track.

I’m writing this because sometimes I say things in a way, online or otherwise, that might make me seem like I have so much figured out. But i don’t. I have determination and drive and a willingness to push through down times. I’m stubborn. I have failed a lot and so far none of it has been hard enough to keep me down. Memes and anecdotes tell me that this is the path towards success. One hundred failures before you get it right. Ten thousand hours. I feel like my time is limited, so I better clock them fast. Just gotta keep getting up, it is the only thing that has worked for me so far. I hope one day I can look back at this post, with a wall full of my works and properties behind me, and be proud of the path I took.

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